Geek in Brew-ville
Liked Beermas a lot…
But the Grinch
Who lived just North of Brew-ville,
The Grinch hated Beermas, The Whole Beermas drinking!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite got his thinking.
It could be that beer sunk his head like a boat.
It could be, perhaps, he had the tastes of a goat.
But I think the most likely reason of all
Was that fun and enjoyment got stuck in his craw.
Whatever the reason,
His craw or the booze,
He stood there on Beermas Eve, hating the Brews,
Staring down from his tower with a dry, mirthless frown
At the cheery, fun ruckus at the pubs in their town
For he knew every Brew Geek in Brew-ville below,
Was sipping beer samples, their cheeks all aglow.
“And they’re clinking their glassware!” he growled at his tea,
“Tomorrow is Beermas! I can’t let this be!”
Then he slunk in his seat, almost ready to cry,
“I must find a way to keep Beermas-time dry!”
For tomorrow, he knew…
…All the Brew Geeks about
Would run to their pubs and, with joy, order stout!
And then there’d be porters, spiced warmers, and pale ales!
That’s the thing he hated most! The pale, pale, hoppy ales!
Then the Brew Geeks, each one, would settle in with their beer,
There’d be cheer! Then more cheer!
Too much CHEER! CHEER! CHEER! CHEER!
Then they’d crack open Belgians and rare, dark Imperials
Which you’d think, from the fuss, were some magic materials!
They’d do something he liked less than pils!
Every Brew Geek in Brew-ville, ignoring the chills
Would stand close together, a jolly, thrilled host.
They’d stand glass to glass, and they’d offer The Toast.
They’d toast to their families, their dogs, cats, and friends!
And they’d TOAST! TOAST! TOAST! It never would end!
The more the Grinch cringed at the Great Beermas Toast,
The more the Grinch thought, “I must stop that the MOST!”
“Year after year, I’ve cringed at their glee!
I MUST stop that Beermas-time toasting!
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I’ve got just the plan!” The Grinch laughed, feeling smug
Then he made a Gambrinus crown and great mug.
“With this crown and fake stein, I look just like that drunk.
When I’m done, this year’s Beermas will be clearly sunk!”
“All I need is a wagon…
and a charger to pull it.”
But he knew he had neither, so how would he sell it?
Still, the old Grinch was clever…
quite evilly so,
So he rubbed his chin whiskers, and then he gasped, “Oh!”
His milking goat, Mutton, would do for the horse,
so he gave him the bit, and some blinders, of course.
He stacked some old barrels,
for rice and for grain,
on a creaky old pull cart,
left to rot in the rain.
He hitched Mutton to it,
then climbed right on top,
and they headed downhill
to where the Brews Geeks would flop
Their windows were quiet, no cheers filled the night.
All the Brews dreamt on soundly of ales with hop bite.
“Oh, I’ll give those loud Brews such a terrible fright!”
the Grinch said as he stopped at a house with a grin
Then he entered the place with a flat, empty drink skin.
He tiptoed ‘round the house, working hard to keep quiet.
If Gambrinus could do so, there must be nothing to it..
There was only one time that he eeped out a cry,
when he stubbed his right foot. How that hurt, my, oh my.
Then he found their great steins, on their mantle, for filling,
and he scooped them all up. This was all just so thrilling!
The Grinch, grinning darkly, he slunk through the home,
Taking any mug, cup, glass or brew that could foam.
Pale ales and bitters, saisons full of bubbles!
Porters! Stouts! Spicy warmers! IPAs and dubbels!
All the brews went right in to his empty drink bladder,
with their beers and steins missing, he couldn’t imagine them sadder!
That wasn’t enough, though. No, he’d only begun.
He too stole their beer makings, to be sure there’d be none!
The Grinch took all their malt, and their hops and the yeast,
When he was done they’d be beerless for years, at the least!
He stacked up the loot on the pull-cart quite tight,
and with a turn back he said, “We can’t leave those kegs, right?”
So he turned a keg over and started to roll,
when he heard a soft grunt, like a sleepy cave troll.
With half-lidded eyes and an unshaven face,
he found himself looking at the Brew of the place.
The Grinch was now trapped by the Brew Geek awake,
and he wondered if, perhaps, this was all a mistake!
In his ‘hop-Lover’ shorts, the Brew coughed and said, “Dude,
Gambrinus, yo, Saint, this looks kinda rude.”
The Grinch, ever clever, nary wasted a blink,
but told a smooth lie, just as quick as a wink.
“This keg you’ve got here, it’s losing its pressure,
so it’s off to my shop for some testing and measures.
I’ll have it right back, a quick little trip.
In the meantime, perhaps you’d like a small sip?”
The Brew smiled wide and said, “Thanks so much, Dude.
I’d hate to lose something I carefully brewed.”
He took a quick pull from the keg he was rolling,
and was back off to bed without any cajoling.
The Grinch took their goblets, their cups and their bowls,
and left them with nothing, but barely their souls.
A thin drop of beer did he leave on the floor,
so tiny that even the bugs wanted more.
He did that same thing
As all the Brews slept
drops of brews
No one’s bugs would accept.
When the sun finally rose…
All the Brew Geeks still sleeping,
All the Brews still dreaming,
When he finished his creeping.
His pull cart was loaded with every Beermas time gift.
The beers! And the glasses! Oh, the Brews would be miffed!
With Mutton he headed to the top of Mt. Volstead,
where over the side all his loot would be shed.
“Ha ha! I’ve done it!” The Grinch grinned wide and mean,
“And they’re waking up now to a sad Beermas scene!
They’ll all stand there shocked, they won’t know what to do,
they’ll probably be slacked-jawed for a hour or two
All day long, they’ll be silent, without any brew.”
“Such wonderful quiet, it’ll be all around me,
and finally, AT LAST, I’ll enjoy my warm tea!”
So with hand cupped to ear, he listened for the Nothing,
but much to his startled surprise, he heard Something.
His quiet was missing, replaced with that something.
Way down there in Brew-ville,
believe it or not,
came a growing glad sound,
at least, that’s what he thought.
He stared down the mountain,
his ears perked up for sound.
Then HIS mouth hung open,
at the noises he found.
Every Brew Geek in Brew-ville, the young and the old,
Was Toasting the others, without beer, in the cold!
He HADN’T stopped Beermas at all!
Here it was!
Despite his dark plotting, they were all still a-buzz!
And the Grinch, with the Brew Geek’s beer kegs, cups, and mugs,
Gave the first in what would be a series of shrugs.
He scratched at his head and thought, “how can this be?
How could Beermas still come when the stuff’s here with me?”
And he thought and he thought and thought yet some more.
Until he thought about something he hadn’t before.
“Maybe Beermas,” he said, “isn’t just about brew.
Maybe Beermas, perhaps, is about fellowship too!”
What happened next…
is still up for debate.
But they say that the Grinch
took a sip of his freight.
He smiled and then realized that pale ale was okay,
And climbed back on Mutton and started away.
He gave back the beers to an elated Brew host.
The Grinch, raised his glass first for the Toast!