Area Satanists Plan Craft Brewery

Beelzebub Brewery

Proposed Branding

Encouraged by the historical success of religious orders brewing beer, a Northern Kentucky Satanist congregation is planning to open a craft brewery to support its outreach missions. The Second Primitive Church of Satan (Reformed) in Campbell County has begun the permitting process with State and Federal officials. Beelzebub Brewing Company expects to release its first beers to the public later this calendar year.

“Monks have been brewing beer for centuries.” said Anton Deplume, Grand Potentate of Evil and church spokesman, “It’s really kind of embarrassing we hadn’t thought of this sooner.”

Deplume says that he and many members of his congregation are home brewers and this is the next logical step for his congregation.

“The effort it takes to start a brewery is really hellish,” said Deplume. “That means it’s right up our alley. The permits, the distribution negotiations, the equipment suppliers, really the whole process is a nightmare. It was clearly designed by the Dark One himself. It’s easy to see His hand in all of this.”

“It’s really lucky that our church appeals to lawyers,” he added with a smile, “It’s saved us a ton of money on legal fees.”

The church has tapped Anton Spargewater to be its head brewer. Spargewater says he has been a brewer at a number of different breweries, but declined to name them. “Hang around a brewery long enough and you’ll meet people willing to sell their soul to work there. That’s pretty much how I broke into the business,” he said.

Spargewater says all their beers will feature three six-row malts. “We’re really excited that the Brewer’s Association has loosened the standards on the use of adjunct ingredients,” he said, “we feel like there’s a lot to be done with sulpher and bitter herbs.” He added that their flagship will be very accessible. “We’re calling it ‘Cast Thee Into Helles’,” he said. “We want it to be very easy to start drinking our beer,” he added, “because if we do our job right you’ll be with us … well … eternally.”

According to Anton Decoction, General Manager and parishioner, area craft beer lovers shouldn’t expect to see over-the-top packaging from them. “I’m really afraid we’d run into some trademark issues with Three Floyds and Stone if we went in that direction,” he said with wry grin. “And I want to underplay the relationship between our beers and The Source of All Evil anyway. I think the greatest trick would be to convince people that there’s no real connection between the brewery and The Prince of Darkness.”

Decoction says that profits from the brewery will go Snakes Unhandled, the church’s charity that works with snakes traumatized from being handled by members of other faith communities.

“People don’t appreciate the pressure the snakes are under in that situation, he said, “Sometimes you just don’t feel bite-y no matter how much the guy deserves it. Other times it’s early on Sunday and you’re dragged from sunning on top of a perfectly good rock and waved around in front of a bunch of strangers. It doesn’t matter how Godly you are at that point. Someone’s getting bit.”

“It’s really all for the snakes,” he said emphatically.

When asked if he expected any resistance in the marketplace, Deplume shrugged and said “People don’t have any trouble buying stuff from AB-InBev or MillerCoors. You think they didn’t cut a deal with the Master of Darkness years ago?”

Satan could not be reached for comment.

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4 comments on “Area Satanists Plan Craft Brewery
  1. Jeff Cook says:

    hilarious! thanks Tom for getting my April 1st off to a great start.

  2. Craig in Delhi says:

    And a Happy April 1st to you, too. You had me up to Anton Spargewater…


  3. Jen Rizzo says:

    Looking forward to six months from now when they open a tasting room and you can sip on a flight in the Beelzepub.

  4. Ben Davis says:

    too bad it’s an april fool’s…i imagine a rosemary flavored beer inspired by rosemary’s baby would be tasty 🙂

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